Scared.

__________________________________________________________

I watch the silence enter the room

like a cheap perfume takeover

this silence stench seems to cloud my compassion

for you and what we've become

Do I share your thoughts

like I share the past memories

of someone brand new?

People you've created for me

to stare at

to fight with

to deny they were ever apart of you

I'd like to think this is all my fault

wouldn't want to put this on you

because if it were up to fight or flight

I would have already flew.

That Old Black Hole

___________________________________________________________

I put on my clothes like a body guard

I put the dogs on patrol in my own back yard

I don't want to fight, but I'm constantly ready

And I don't rock the boat, but its always unsteady

There's an elephant in my head

And I tiptoe around it

There are eggshells on the floor

Therefore I never touch the ground

It's like that old black hole

No matter how you try

You set out each day

Never to arrive

I got my eye on the prize, but it looks just like the mystery

And it all goes by on the lonesome trail to victory

I'm drawing the blinds; I've got my own four walls

Man the show really starts once the curtain falls

Take this thorn from my side

Fix this chip on my shoulder

Time is racing with the clock

And I ain't getting any older

It's like that old black hole

No matter how you try

You set out each day

Never to arrive

I put on my finest thread

And I wrap up my body tight

With the sun in my eyes

I step into the night

Like a mystery in the dark

Oh its just another kind of light

I don't expect you do believe me, but everything is alright

I don't make rules for a living

I don't do tricks for a dime

I was born on a good day - deaf, dumb, and blind

Who am I to tell the truth

Oh, I don't even know what it is

I don't know how to say it

But I know that I can show you

I said I don't know how to say it

But I know that I can show you

I tied my boots up tight and head straight to bed

There's a pistol and a crystal underneath my pillow

There's a tender heart inside that ugly armadillo

These are tears of joy cried the weeping willow

There's a spirit in the air, there ain't to way around it

I was not prepared to lose it all the moment that I found it

It's like that old black hole

No matter how you try

You set out each day

Never to arrive

Advice from Casey Kochmer

Boredom

Boredom, Tedium, loss of focus, tiredness, and so many ways to describe getting stuck in the rut....

Don't be afraid to show what you feel, nor to express yourself. After-all at some point we all go down to experience being down. The truth is, we all have our lows.

What makes the difference is what you do in the lows.

If you embrace the lows, the lows just get lower. Depression and boredom feed upon each other to create deeper holes to climb out from later. So one lesson to understand is don't reinforce your lows with more lows.

For example:
It might be fun to hang out with a friend who is depressed when you are depressed for company. Misery loves company, but misery adores misery... Sharing depression with another person in depression just ensures you keep each other down and in the rut. Misery just digs the hole deeper for depression to root in and depression just pulls misery down upon itself...

It's just a terrible combination!

It's acceptable to express your lows, but it's destructive to embrace them. You must release the lows, as singing the blues, to let the wind wail but then to come up and out back to the sun. The secret of the blues, isn't that the singer embraces the depth of despair, but they are rejoicing from hopes of harmony, the process of release by actually singing out rather than holding in the blues. This release of song lifts the person out from the blues, to show even at the darkest point, a song can make light of the dark...

No boredom and all the negative emotions are not bad for you unless you make it your lifestyle. Any negative lifestyle will tear down your world block by block... Yes this might be a form of release: but it is a destructive release over a constructive release.

We talk about release all the time in Taoism, however, we teach to release in a positive manner, in a manner that embraces grace, compassion and kindness.

If you release in a manner that embraces sloth, envy and spite then you actually get replacement rather than release, you swap out your core being to be negative attachments that end up defining you.

In other words to sing the blues is to sing:
"freedom is when you have nothing left to lose..."

So Depression knows this and depression will fill your being with misery... Misery will add in boredom... boredom breeds contempt...and it all adds up... so in the end you will get so full of these negative emotions you literally have no room left, no place to go, stuck in the rut.

Experience the lows, so you can turn around to release the very same lows, to learn to recognize them and tell Mr. Low Down Misery ... sorry no more... It's time for me to go... And release to the song of my life.

Release is just release... in the end, we all must let go to discover grace... hanging on, drags everyone down... down... down... most especially true when you are down upon yourself. It's pretty hard to restart your life, if you yourself are keeping yourself down....


Release...


Namaste

Chloe

This song by GroupLove has double the significance in my life right now. First, I just adopted a great new kitty cat named Chloe, or 'Chloe Cat' as we like to call her. Second, GroupLove's album 'Never Trust a Happy Song' is so complete and impressive that I had to post another track from it...

Dim the lights, dim the lights, dim the lights, low.

Enjoy!

An Interesting Proposal...

I don't usually post articles on my blog, but I stumbled upon this somehow and found it very interesting. Would most people agree (men and women)... I don't know? Either way it makes sense, but may be an idea of the past... Which is sad for both marriages in the 21st century and children who are raised with the 'new idea' of a family where they are #1.

http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/loving-husband-more-kids-key-good-life-181900983.html

BONUS TRACK: The Joy Formidable

Just a little something from the up and coming London-based band who seem to be creating quite a stir with their live perfomance as of late. The trio have been opening for Foo Fighters and leaving lasting impressions...

THE JOY FORMIDABLE "Whirring" directed by Christopher Mills from Vision Entertainment on Vimeo.

M83

Three reasons why "Midnight City", the featured single from the new album by M83 should be posted:

1. The addicting synth beat.
2. The absolutely sick (and somewhat creepy) music video.
3. The saxophone solo to close out the track.

I was unsure about M83 when I first checked them out a few years back. However, if this new track is any indicaton of what to expect on 'Hurry Up We're Dreaming'... I guess you and I both should go cop the album ASAP. 10-4 good buddy?

M83 - "Midnight City" from PEDESTRIAN.TV on Vimeo.

Long-haired child...

__________________________________________________

We're gonna enter a new life

Enter a new life, that's for sure

You're gonna enter yourself back through your baby's front door

Now, if you want that baby to be a long-haired child

You're gonna make that baby be a long-haired child, that's for sure

Baby, baby that's for sure.

The Breeze

_________________________________________________________

"All that you accomplish or fail to accomplish with your life is the direct result of your thoughts."

“Circumstance does not make the man; it reveals him to himself.”

James Allen was a smart guy.
He knew how to summarize his vision of the true "law of the universe".
Every single time I read his writing I believe in the power of thought more than the last time.
I cease my fretting and whining and blaming...
and I realize all that my universe is made up of is the result of what is inside my head.
Now, I'm still trying to figure out where all of my thoughts come from.
I'm still trying to figure out why certain thoughts enter and leave my brain.
BUT... I take my circumstance and my life and realize that it is mine and mine alone.

A Secret.

giant slabs of silence

layered the beat-up passat station wagon

he pulled the car to the side of the road

they hadn't even reached her mail box, her walkway, her front door

she understood his hasty proceedings

the tension was more than apparent to both of them

no exit sign for her though- she was staying in that car

deep inside herself the real secret was growing

the secret was not about their relationship, or the fact that is seemed all but over

or that it never did begin

the secret had nothing to do with their inability to communicate or coexist

or to love each other in all the right ways

those secrets were already exposed

her secret was much larger

than petty disagreements and apathetic lovers

he put the passat into park

it jerked to a stop

he looked out the driver's side window briefly

admiring the death of a summer

the leaves were scattered about in some yards

and orderly and organized into neat piles in others

he looked at her

her hair was disheveled as usual

he thought to himself that no one wore disheveled hair so well

that thought gave way to hopelessness

two lovers who were unsure how to love

mostly barricaded by impassable walls of fear

she looked at him in disbelief

a boy

he was only a boy

how could he take care of her?

and the secret? how could he take care of the secret?

she pushed her nagging thoughts back down

deep down

as deep as the secret itself

the rumbling started

and the tension in her stomach was working its way up

all the way up to her vocal chords

whether it was the right time or not

a smile across her face set the tone

and she almost blurted out two words

that sliced right through the slabs of silence

all he could do was stare back at her

that disheveled hair, that smile on her face, his girl

he was not ready for this kind of news

he knew that much

his girl looked as young as he

she looked scared and hopeful and desperate

but much too young to have such a big secret

the moment the secret was out

the second it was shared by two instead of just one

this was the time the slabs of silence transformed

into light vibrations of peace

a boy and a girl had their peace

and they didn't even know it

he took her warm hand into his

and they both watched the death of a summer out their windows

while they both secretly anticipated a new life to come.

Mazzy Star

____________________________________________________________

You read it right... Mazzy Star. They are back after 15 years of hiatus.

I think everyone over the age of 25 will remember this little number...

The duo of Hope Sandoval and David Roback are scheduled to release a full length album in 2012 and are setting up tour dates around the country. Their sound is sweet and subtle and dreamy. The music you need when the leaves start to disappear and the ground starts to freeze over... when all you really want to do is sit in your warm places and forget about the daily grind and the weather outside.

Welcome back Mazzy Star, your sound hasn't seemed to change much, which is just perfect.

King Krule.

________________________________________________________

Mr. Archy Marshall is sort of an oddity... in a good way.

The Londoner is almost mind-blowing to me.

Zoo Kid was his previous alias, now he goes by King Krule..

And that IS his real voice, even though the 17-year-old's sound

is aged to that of a much older and well-versed musician.

'Out Getting Ribs' is King Krule's first video and really showcases how strange it is to see such a sound come out of such a youngster. A youngster with bright red hair.

Don't judge a book by its cover.

To give you a taste of his live show I'll also post another video of 'Out Getting Ribs'.

1- because I love this track to death and 2- for further evidence that this boy is quite possibly years and years ahead of his time. Enjoy...

Om Nashi Me.

________________________________________________

Today I pray for love.

Where are you?

Please find me.

I'm tired of living life this way.

GroupLove.

Grouplove "Tongue Tied" from Toy Human on Vimeo.

_____________________________________________________

Don't take me tongue tied

Don't wave no goodbye...

Jingle Punks Hipster Orchestra.

_____________________________________________________

What would you do if I didn't find you good music?

I think it's time to pretend...

Tighten Up.

Don't think twice, it's alright.

______________________________________________________

You're the reason I'ma travlin' on...

Sad and Lonely Statue---> Take Three Steps on the Right Road...

(How are you gonna get your hands

Inside the real thing

When you go and leave your mind sleepin'?

Time to understand your place

Your trees and your buildings

When the time to dream is almost over.)

(Take three steps on the right road

Go

See the people call you

Sad and lonely statue.)

NewVillager - "LightHouse" from stereogum on Vimeo.

Oblivion

________________________________________________________

see you on a dark night.

Hold me closer, I am open, I’ve been waiting, don’t be shy

Wrap your loving arms around me; press your face against mine

Once a liar, once a cheater, yes your light went underground

I have seen it here inside me and that light is what was found

Come home, come home sweetheart

Come home bitter heart

Let go and love

Are you broken, are you beaten, are you stranded in your head?

Has your path made you a stranger?

Does that stranger want you dead?

Come home, come home sweetheart

Come home bitter heart

Let go and love

Our world is filled with ordinary things

Fear and hate and doubt

Our world is filled with only what we see

Can we see love now?

Can we see love now?

the man and the boy and the distortion

he clenched his jaw and fought the thought

of tasting tears in his mouth

thoughts that gripped him tight and held him

up against his own wall of imprisonment

for the fear of such a dream or nightmare

actually coming to fruition made his blood heat up

the chills came and went and the nervous feeling

created a new person on the outside of him

he was molding himself into a man but the little boy inside

came outside to play with his heart and mess with his emotions

paranoia paranoia paranoia paranoia paranoia paranoia

who keeps watching and thinking and feeling and believing???

his head became fucked with, what a stupid little boy he's become

does he know he's really okay? someone should tell him he's fine

where does he start- he wants to open the closet door to his thoughts

but his past would fall out and make the room so messy

how would he walk around it, he doesn't have time to pick it up

can he take this situation and crumple it up and shove it in the closest?

it will make things so much easier but the man has already been molded

he is growing and reading and writing and learning and discovering

he is sick of the cycle and the heartache and the confusion

the man wants to help the boy but the boy doesn't need help

the boy can do it all by himself he swears he can

the little boy has done this before, he's taken care of himself before

the door starts to open and the man and the boy both know

that once it rains it always seems to pour

get ready for the aftermath.

Wake Up

Acceptance is a doorway to hell

if you're on the wrong side

things don't go so well.

So I accepted who I am

and I named my disease

And finally felt relief

and got down on my knees.

Wake up, you're living now

you've been gone so long

do you remember how?

Just be yourself, that's being brave

you're not the master,

but you sure ain't the slave.

Bon Iver "Towers" from Christian Bartsch on Vimeo.

_____________________________________________________________

love is elusive

is love what they say it is?

Ghostpoet

________________________________________________________

I just wanna live life and survive it.

A Lull

A Lull - Some Love from Mush Records on Vimeo.

________________________________________________________

Break us off a piece
The sun shines on me
We smash our little heads on the ground
Repair them with what little we have
Smile, smile on me
With blood, sweat and - me
We smash our little heads on the ground
Repair them with what little we have

Hold all you own
Hold all you want

Show me some love

Outside, come outside
There's plenty of room outside
Bang on the drums
Bang on the floor

Look each other up and down
There's plenty of people around
Bang on the floor
Bang on the door
Look each other up and down
There's plenty of people around
Bang on the floor
Bang on the door

Show me some love

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This track by A Lull and the accompanying video remind me of being free.

As free as we thought we were when none of us had demands.

The freedom of a night with absolutely nothing to do but- be.

Minds that weren't twisted up with a giant fucking "to-do" list.

I don't feel so free anymore. Hell I barely feel alive anymore.

Feels like motions going through motions going through motions.

I want to bust out of this cage and tear up the invisible contract that said I needed to be someone who cared about status and money and obligations and deadlines and relationships SO much that I could possibly lose my one and only true freedom.

The freedom of an unshackled mind.

Come home, sweetheart.

______________________________________________

Chin up... no matter what.

Lemolo

We were out watching for whales, all of us

It started to rain with the hail, down our love

We were out walking the dolls, all of us

The rabbits wore dresses and all talked a lot

She looks up

You were just dancing to sing, all along

We tied all our wrists up with string, the color was

You’re planning your parties for beaches, summer’s warm

But it was your birthday last week and the week before

She sees the world the way she wants, oh the way she wants

Danny Brown.

____________________________________________________

Thoughts are sometimes scary.
Much like this track from Das Racist.
Second up to spit is the most demented Danny Brown.
Taking America by storm in the recent months.
Although he has been repping his hometown, Detroit, for over a decade.
Insane is the beat and the constant chatter of Das Racist
and over-the-top are the screams of Brown.
I really need this sometimes.
Life is not all good and all beautiful all the time.
The darkness is suppressed mostly but
that doesn't mean it's not there.

Waste.

______________________________________________________________

I'll hold your hand when you are feeling mad at me
When the monsters they wont go,
The windows, they wont close,
I'll pretend to see what you see

How long, I say how long, will you re-live the things that are gone?
The devil's on your back but I know you can shake him off

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

You know its funny how freedom can make us feel contained
When the muscles in our legs aren't used to all the walking
I know if you could snap both your fingers than you'd escape with me

But in the meantime I'll just wait here and listen to you when you speak, or scream

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

Thoughts on thoughts.

I have to write tonight, or I won't be able to sleep.
And I do love sleeping.
Sleeping refuels my body and my mind.
My body/mind combination is the only thing I really have control over.
Right? I have nothing to do with what happens externally.
I only have my responses to life... my thoughts and feelings about life.
My truth lies in my ability to observe my thoughts and feelings
NOT to be controlled by them.
There really is no other way.
Our thoughts must be the most powerful force in all of the universe.
They lead to our feelings, which is the second most powerful force.
The biggest idea is this:
you can control your thoughts and feelings and do amazing things,
OR they can control you... which usually brings awful stress and sadness.

I'd like to share a little more about this topic.
I'm reading a book by Deborah Fairfull...
This book is fantastic.
A very simple look at how to retrain your brain.
I believe in this so much.
What else can we do?

She says...

All pain is caused by resistance to what is.

Your mind is your most powerful tool in creating the life you want. When stressed or overwhelmed by circumstances, retraining your mind can allow you to remain peaceful, regardless of what is going on around you.

As you become comfortable with your feelings rather than overwhelmed by them, you will increase your capacity to be aware of your thoughts. In fact, thoughts and feelings are the same. A feeling occurs as a result of a thought- generally repeated thoughts. If you think repeatedly, "I love my life, I love my life," it is likely to be accompanied by a warm feeling of happiness in your body. Alternatively, if you repeatedly think, "I hate my life, I hate my life," you will probably feel sad, if not depressed.

Feelings and thoughts can fluctuate on a daily basis, depending on the external environment. However, if you learn to be in touch with your feelings and aware of your thoughts, you can learn to master your internal state- in many cases, regardless of external forces. When you are aware or able to develop the ability to observe your thoughts and feelings rather than becoming overwhelmed or driven by them, you will begin to live life in a conscious way. The story of Victor Frankl is an amazing example of mental resilience in extreme circumstances.

Victor Frankl was able to master his internal state no matter what was going on around him. He was kept prisoner for three years in World War II concentration camps. Where his parents and other close family members died. Victor survived by holding onto the love and image of his wife. The thought he held onto in almost unbearable conditions was: "Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death."

If you learn to observe your thoughts, like your feelings, without judgment, you will start to gain true mastery over your inner state. The first step in doing this is to separate yourself from your thoughts- you have thoughts, but are not the thought. This is the same concept as: you have feelings, but are not the feeling. Your true self is the stable, consistent observer of your thoughts and feelings. Living your life from your true self, rather than your fluctuating thoughts and feelings, is the key to happiness.



This way of thinking, these ideas could save us all if we put in effort to train ourselves.
I spend so much time training my body while running, or learning about things for my job or school- I think the least I can do is train my mind... it is really all I have.
I still have a long way to go with these sorts of concepts, but I will keep doing my best to move towards truth, and stop resisting what is.
I know, without any doubt, this is the only way.

Raise up to your ability. Focus on your ability. Gain again what they want to steal.

Rise above gonna start a war
Whatcha want whatcha need whatcha come here for
Well an eye for an eye and an F for fight
Takin me down is a prisoners right

Got shackles on my wings on tight
Beggin makin compromise
Fast enough it's hard to hide
Sometimes I want to disappear

When I feel good I play under warm distress
Pass it up on a better day
Well you got whatcha want you never knew
Perfect gift from me to you

Yeah yeah yeah

Got shackles on my wings on tight
Beggin makin compromise
Fast enough it's hard to hide
Sometimes I want to disappear

(Raise up to your ability)
You never knew what I could find
What could come when we realize
Don't no one want to compromise

(Raise up to your ability)
Yeah I'm scared but I'll disappear
Run around before I'll come with you
Like he's from an

(Raise up to your ability)
I know that you wanna
Cause it was easy to see
Of my ability

(Raise up to your ability)
Yeah you're undecided
Yeah so I can see it
Yeah I'm gonna wipe your mind

Focus on your ability
Focus on your ability
Now focus on your ability
Focus on your ability

Gain again what they want to steal
Gain again what they want to steal
Gonna gain again what they want to steal
Gain again what they want to steal

Trouble in Your Mind

_______________________________________________________

This brought me peace before bedtime.
Funny how you hear a song at just the right time.
Ain't no use gettin' that trouble in yo mind ya'll. :)


My mind is way too strong to be bogged down anyway.

Goooooooooodniiiiiiiiiight

Nothing but my love (It's all I have).

__________________________________________________________

"What I have, What I have...
is nothing that you want."

Settling It Off

There is no other letdown like the letdown from a parent.
A parent is supposed to be the one who has taken care of you.
Who has watched and helped you grow and develop from the moment you entered the world.
A parent continues to help you throughout your life.
You are never too old to be under a parent's watch.
To receive hugs.
To receive praise.
To receive Love.
What happens when parents don't measure up?...
Significant hurdles for that child to get over when he or she becomes an adult.
Because there is no letdown like the letdown of a parent.
I can promise you that.
Some hold onto their parents and believe that someday they won't let them down anymore.
That, my friends, is almost laughable.
Parents will let their children down, some a whole hell of a lot more than others.
What really gets me going is when a parent starts letting down their child's child.
I cannot stand that.
It make's my blood boil.
To not be present in that child's life, even though they are surely "around". They are in the area, they just choose not to make a plan to see or be near their grandchild.
I really cannot explain how much that hurts me as a parent.
I'm not going to say too much more about this because I really do not like venting publicly (even though very little people probably visit this blog, which is good).
There are people out there that would say it could be worse, and that no one is perfect. That's all well and good, but how much slack can one receive? How many excuses should be put on the table? How much can we stick up for a parent who has simply failed at trying their best? And is now failing to deliver as a grandparent?

I only know because now I am a parent.
I know what it takes.
You are not doing it.
And you continue to let me down.

I promise not to make excuses or comparisons or rationalizations.
I promise to be a parent whom my daughter can depend on.
And to always let her know how much I love her.
_____________________________________________________________

Nooowwww! For some good music:

Future Islands

Future Islands - Balance from Thrill Jockey Records on Vimeo.

______________________________________________________

I'm not sure what is so catchy about Future Islands.
Sometimes I'll have to listen to their songs 3 or 4 times before I go... "Ohhhhh, I get it!"
Their sound seems out of this world- from the future and from the past at the same time.
Not to mention, this video is just so great.
My eyes ask me to keep watching and my ears don't mind.
That's "Balance".

Skeletons

when i sit here and cry
it's mainly from spinning all around
i'm afraid that when i fall
the person who is suppose to pick me up
will be falling over too
and i'll lie down on my back
and look up at the ceiling
that seems much too low
i'll remember all the things i did
to get here
repeating
repeating
repeating
the same mistakes and dead ends
over
and over
and over
i'll wonder what i'm lacking
or how i'm tricking myself
into believing this is the way it should be
i won't scream for her
that would turn my skin red
and i don't want to be red
rather be broken than red
i would lie there and die
before i would scream for her
which isn't surprising
because i've found that
while she is probably nursing her fall
she is refusing to scream for me
this is a stupid fucking paradox
and it ends with us both falling alone.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. - "Vocal Chords
_____________________________________________________



Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. - "Simple Girl"

The Man Within

i listened to a story the other day
about a boy who finally decided to become a man
there was no celebration or ritualistic initiation
no light bulbs, no epiphanies or new realizations
this boy decided to become a man all by himself


he made up his mind from that day forward:

he would stop blaming others for his misfortunes
he would care for those he loved, and be loyal no matter what
he would start giving more of himself to others
he wouldn't wrestle so much with truth, but would let the truth come naturally, as the truth always does
he would pray and try with all his might to realize something bigger than himself
he would respect his elders, especially his mother and father- no matter what kind of past he had with them
he would go out of his comfort zone
he would open up to a world that scared him when he was a boy
he would love, and allow himself to be loved

this man smiled as he told his story
he said he didn't need a life-changing event to become a man
he just needed to do the right things in his life
and face his fear and his pain and his suffering
and take care of the boy within himself
he told me that deep inside him

the man was there all along.

lostlove

full life feeling

lined with a contagious itch for the big stuff

something that the church or state can't take away

the fall feels like a continuous drop to a grave

bottomless

get on top of this- feel my hip bones asking for your friction

kneeling beside me, peeling clothes, and sighing with lips pursed

i feel it now

and i wonder how

i feel anything at all when our clothes are on

this stretch is a far cry from a lovesick fever

i want to share the news

and debate the consciousness of man

then dive into a world of nature

sleep inside your thoughts

mix up our fears and dreams

bleed into your scars

and breathe in your happiness

i can't feel your life

i don't taste your mind and your soul is lost

covered, shadowed, blurred

somewhere between the heavens of your heart

and your deepest fear

of not being accepted

as anything at all.

where are you?

The Drums - Money from Tim Heinrich on Vimeo.

Yuck

Yu(c)k - Daughter from Yuck on Vimeo.

Via Audio

Via Audio "We Can Be Good" (Wanderer Session #13) from Kevin de Wilde on Vimeo.

You wanted a monster, here I am.

It's been a while since I've taken the time to write (type) down thoughts here.
My typical life can sometimes sweep me away from things I enjoy most.
Like discovering new music, and challenging myself to record my thoughts somewhere, anywhere.
I really shy away from putting myself out there enough to try and explain what I'm thinking.
Or even to sit down and sort out the thoughts to begin with.
When I do I come away from the experience very fulfilled, but the next try is just as difficult.
I don't know why that is? Am I nervous of what someone will think? After all, I am my biggest critic. Or do I just block myself from the fulfillment that doing what I love can offer?
Either way, I'm here now.

I was talking with someone the other day, and trying to explain my view on God (WAIT- don't run away or stop reading or immediately assume something about this conversation). It was a very non-threatening talk, and I was merely stating my idea which seems obvious to me now..
God takes on so many forms for so many different people, but I was thinking the real focus is on the battle of good and evil. The battle of what we think we want to do, with what we actually should do. Or the battle of our emotions going haywire versus total self-control in any situation- these kinds of fights.

These battles are the real thing. We don't need to have known a God or met a Godlike figure to know these battles. They occur every single day. So how does God come into play? Or, as Buddha thought it- how does the very tricky Ego figure into this equation?

The delusions that come along with being a human cause us to lose sight of what is important- for ourselves and for others. These delusions will always exist, and some have far more delusions, and at higher extremes, than others. The minimization of the delusions come with experience, but right along with experience one must practice an unbiased reflection of their own actions, must exert self-control, patience- a willingness to grow. This is the constant battle we all face. Some lose this battle day in and day out. Others win one battle, but lose another. Still others press on doing whatever they must to conquer each and every battle they encounter... these people are few, and very special.

I'm not sure that it matters what God you pray to. What religion or philosophy you rely on to help fight the battles alongside yourself. However, you must find some rock, some solid foundation. So when your emotions do go haywire, or your patience has been depleted, or your self-control is shaky, you can stand firm and still fight the good fight against these delusions- against the evil that plagues us all.

Bukowski

The Laughing Heart



"You can't beat death, but you can beat death in life, sometimes."

Little Dragon

This is what I've been listening to... on repeat... for 3 days and counting...

Little Dragon 'Ritual Union' (Live on Fallon) from lentetijd on Vimeo.

Discovered my roots
the other day
Pulled them out
from my foundation
Sat down on my bricks
and began to pray
Not for salvation
or some kind of
fake reconciliation
But for a hope
to understand
every part
of every root
that this confused man
stands on
To connect the
blurry lines
of my connection
to every other root
that isn't mine
And at some point
some point in
your time
or my time
to have an explanation
to pass down
that twisting
turning
blurry
line.

I guess you don't need it
I guess you don't want me to repeat it
But everything I have to give I'll give to you
It's not like we planned it
You tried to stay, but you could not stand it
To see me shut down slow
As though it was an easy thing to do
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
And I will shelter you
I will shelter you
I left you heartbroken, but not until those very words were spoken
Has anybody ever made such a fool out of you
It's hard to believe it
Even as my eyes do see it
The very things that made you live are killing you
Listen when all of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
I will shelter you
Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
I will shelter you
If you shelter me too
I will shelter you.

The Tao of Californication

"here we are" she thought, "at the edge of the world, the very edge of western civilization and all of us are so desperate to feel something, anything, that we keep falling into each other and fucking our way towards the end of days."

The Man Who Didn't Know What Was His

There was a man who didn't know what was his.
He thought as a boy that some demon forced him
To wear "his" clothes and live in "his" room
And sit on "his" chair and be a child of "his" parents.

Each time he sat down to dinner, it happened again.
His own birthday party belonged to someone else.
And- was it sweet potatoes that he liked?-
He should resist them. Whose plate is this?

This man will be like a lean-to attached
To a house. It doesn't have a foundation.
This man is helpful and hostile in each moment.
This man leans toward you and leans away.

He's charming, this man who doesn't know what is his.

-Robert Bly

The long winding ride home...

"I remember- Monday making your eyes red.
Still don't know what it is that I said."


_____________________________________________________

"And I shout that you're all fake
and you should have seen the look on your face
and I guess that's what it takes
when comparing your belly aches.
And it's been a long time
which agrees with this watch of mine.
And I know that I missed you.
And I'm sorry if I dissed you."


______________________________________________________

And now I see and hear things that are not there.
And it's only right if no one cares.
But this long drive is where I feel safe.
I don't feel like the world is wrong.
I'm not wrong in this car with my hands at 10 and 2 or 8 and 4..
Or with no hands at all.
My words disappear when they exit my mouth and I search for them, but they really are gone.
Forgetting the first song, and the last song. I vaguely even remember the middle parts.
I know it was dark and tragic and full of "woe is me's".
Full of empty fog that blocks the road of my thoughts.
A big full wall of fog that is nothing more than thick water droplets suspended in the atmosphere.
It blocks the truth from entering each and every orifice of my being.
Reading words to try and absorb them.
It won't be the words that save me.
Not sitting, not believing, not achieving.
Truth will need every brain cell, every movement, every phoneme.

Glimpses.

I found peace, in my way
But it didn't last, beyond the day
I've had glimpses around the bend
But in the morning, I start again
I feel the sun, hot on my face
And I hear my blood giving way

I've had some glimpses around the bend
You know if I didn't, I'd have killed myself today

Now mama I'm so tired, from the bullshit
My soul cried, from the bullshit
And I'm so tired,
But I know I'll make it with you by my side


Perhaps I'm crazy
Still I'm thinking, there is change in the air
We were trying together
Now we're trying just to care
Now if we find peace
Oh let it stay
Let it last beyond the day

I've had glimpses of our tomorrow
But Lord if I didn't I'd kill myself today

Now mama I'm so tried, from the bullshit
My soul cried, from the bullshit
I'm so tired
I know I'll make it with you by my side

"Good morning. In the land of the lotus eaters, time plays tricks on you. One day you're dreaming, the next your dream has become your reality. It was the best of times, if only someone had told me. Mistakes were made, hearts were broken, harsh lessons learned. My family goes on without me, while I drown in a sea of pointless pussy. I don't know how I got here, but here I am... rotting away in the warm California sun. There are things I need to figure out, for her sake at least. The clock is ticking, the gap is widening. She won't always love me no matter what." -Hank Moody

The truest quotes for the present moment.

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
Carl Jung

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.
Dale Carnegie

Pardon my French, but this is fucking amazing.

And I will walk you home
And I will leave you there
I'll take the books you stole
And leave a heart that bears this

I hope you have what you need
I hope the moon is listening
I hope you have what you need
I gave my soul my body
I hope you have what you need
I hope the moon is listening
I hope you have what you need
I gave you soul and body

And if things had changed
I would have buried you deep in my heart
And if things had stayed the same
I would have carried you as far as the sky

Whatever has us now
I can't forget somehow
For to forget a love is to regret

And what is love is regret
And what isn't love is a test

And if things had changed
I would have buried you deep in my heart
And if things had stayed the same
I would have carried you as far as the sky

Do you believe in love?
Do you believe in love?
Hold your tongue
Hold your tongue
Do you believe in love?
Do you believe in love?
Hold your tongue
Hold your tongue
Do you believe in love?
Do you believe in love?
Hold your tongue
Hold your tongue

'Cause if things had changed
I would have buried you deep in my heart
And if things had stayed the same
I would have carried you as far as the sky
Far far away

Whatever has us now
I can't forget somehow
For to forget a love is to regret

On/off, hot/cold, here/there switch.

______________________________________________________

So save it if you will
Stop the doctor, crush the pill
The simple life is overrated
I have simply had my fill.

I don't know where I would be without you little girl...

I wasted my breath, and yeah, I trust even less.

__________________________________________________________

INFANTREE.

Hear this.

One big happy festival. Sans the drama, anger, and fighting.

"And if you want to know, I won't confront you with all the stupid things that you said."

So PUMPED to see the Generationals at 80/35 this weekend with my baby and band mate. Nothing and no one will take our fun away... not even the naysayers. Here we coooooooooooooooooome!!

Thank You Too

_____________________________________________________________

Thanks for being so great.
For understanding.
For listening.
For turning some stressful days into relaxing nights :)
Thank you.

The End Has No End

Craving some distance.

Swimming in unfamiliar waters

I once swam with a shark in some water by the park
I wouldn't show him my eyes and I didn't ask to see his teeth
He showed me anyways and they were bright white like the stars that light the earth at night
As we circled our pool of water he told me he wanted out..
Out of his skin and out of the prison "we" put him in
I was sympathetic initially, but realized I was in my own prison
Just like the shark- "we" put me there
I explained to the shark the complications of our situations
He agreed that we were both prisoners
I wanted to tell him my secrets, but I knew he couldn't be trusted
He slowed down and the waves of water pushed and pulled us
I felt no control in the pool of water, which was no different than any slab of land I'd been on
He realized I wouldn't be staying, as I didn't have the proper adaptations to roam around with him forever
I swam to the edge of the pool, slowly lifted my body over the wall, and jumped to the still ground
We gave each other a gaze that let on to our reciprocity
The world didn't seem so big and confusing that night in the park
But it was wet and cold all the same

An old note with a new meaning.

We were sitting on the edge of a rock, down by the river- waiting for the snow to make its presence felt- when I asked her, "Have you ever loved someone?".

Her eyes dived for the water, then slowly came up to meet mine. "Yes- I love my mom, most of the time." She smiled and looked up at the gray sky that was getting darker by the minute. Winter was late that year, but most everything was already dead. The birds had already reached their destination to a warm and sunny climate, thousands of miles south of our location.

"No, no, no," I told her. "The other kind of love"

She knew what I meant, but was holding out on me because she could tell how badly I wanted to hear her answer. Truth is, I had never felt that kind of love before. There were times in my life when I wanted it so badly, but I knew it was nowhere to be found. I blamed it on my mother.

"A boy without a loving mother will most certainly turn into an unloving man."

My mother was there, but was a far cry from a compassionate, caring woman. I knew it wasn't her fault. You know why?

Her Dad didn't love her the right way.

"A girl without a loving father will most certainly turn into an unloving woman."

And so it goes and so it goes and so it goes. Breaking that cycle is like putting out a fire with kitchen grease. Mom didn't stand a chance. She spent a great deal of her life being miserable and angry and quick tempered. She would love men (or think she loved them), but treat them as though they were out to get her. She would treat them like she hated them, most of the time. Only once in a great while was she even fun to be around.

As for us kids, well let's just say it was a roller coaster from start to finish. A whole lot of yelling and not enough hugs and kisses. No stability except for the drug use, abuse and neglect.

Sometimes I wonder why I like being alone. I often wonder why I've never really loved. This stuff isn't rocket science though- it's all right there in front of me.


As we sat there on that rock the snow began to fall. Winter began its own cycle, invading like an old war hero. She was ready to share something with me. She looked up from the river, the snow falling hard now- her eyes filled with compassion and direction. Just like me, she had it rough as a child. Didn't seem to bother her. She seemed to be free from her past tension. I admired her for that, but also found myself envious, maybe even a little jealous.

Her eyes hit mine hard and focused directly on them- her eyes stayed fixed on my eyes and she spoke the words slowly and deliberately, "I love you, right now in this moment". I was speechless. I should be happy, should be excited and joyful and ready to share the same good news with her- at least acknowledge her brave admission with a smile or a kiss. However, fear set in.

How long would she love me for?
Did she really love me, or was she just saying it?
Why me? What would cause her to feel love for me?
She doesn't love me.

The doubt filled my body and overflowed outward- the doubt could have flooded the river. I didn't even have time to speak- my legs and feet lifted me from the rock and I ran off crying and cursing my mother.

The snow covered up each footprint as I ran through Winter's night.

This is it. We're just wasting time now :(

have you had enough excitement now? more than you ever did?
you never wanted to be treated like a woman
you maintained you was just a kid
well at least you were of age my dear- these days kids they grow so fast
you never wanted to be committed to the present
you're too busy believing in the past, oh

who then was your savior? Who then was your friend?
who is now committed to the present? Is it someone that exists?
what is life in God? A perfect vision of the self?
I always thought we was dealing with one thing
now we are dealing with something else

do you see my smoking guns?
they're smoking from shootin'. Smokin’ from shootin'
smokin' from shootin at nothing dear
do you live your life on the run?
loosing out on lovin
Asking for nothing
Runnin' from something that isn't there

who makes my decisions? who reads all your thoughts?
what makes us how we are?
faith can't prove what science won't resolve
kumbaya my lord, c'mon row your boat ashore
the river's long. it is cold. it chills the body but not the soul.

do you see my smokin' guns?
they're smokin' from shootin'. smokin' from shootin'
smokin' from shooting at nothing dear.
do you live your life on the run?
losing out on lovin
asking for nothing
running from something that isn't there

distance- coming or going? c'mon
what are you waiting for?
distance- growing or closing in on?
anyway?

We can make a deal, I know it.

2 for 1 Mondays.

Birds by Kopecky Family Band (Official Music Video) from Kopecky Family Band on Vimeo.

_____________________________________________________

i want you to mean it cause it's all just a matter of time.
work hard for the weekends, let your hours be well defined.
_____________________________________________________

flying higher above the groundswell i was born in
through the misty walls of gray that dampen my skin
up up into the air until there's no where new to begin
i open my eyes to the world's divide, no people by my side
they walked away when i learned to fly- to glide- then to ride
i see them now as air bubbles
i feel the earth peel away one layer at a time
no reason or rhyme but i'm fine with it
wouldn't argue with it, and never would i doubt it
there's no reason to scream and shout it
i can feel it- i don't even need to hear it or see it
it's time to be it.

Mason Jennings has changed my life.

___________________________________________________

If this darkness came from light
then light can come from darkness
I guess.

Can't get it right.

_________________________________________________

I feel so strongly sometimes.
I feel like my feelings and emotions are heightened..
Like I could cry and then laugh and then cry again.
This is usually caused by a film, or a book, or even a poem...
But more often than not, it's caused by music.
This song says a lot to me- it speaks of defeat.
It feels like the worst kind of defeat, the kind that makes you want to throw in the towel.
Most of us feel defeated at least once a week, maybe once a day.
The thought of giving up definitely crosses our minds, but we know giving up isn't possible.
Not for me at least.

What gets me is when someone doesn't think you understand pain.
How can anyone who is living in this world, or who has ever lived, not understand pain?
We all live with various forms of pain every day- sure we may place value on pain...
"Well my Dad died, well my family left me, well I lost everything I loved."
Pain is pain, especially to each individual. I cannot place a value on my pain compared to yours.
And I won't even try it.

Please understand that what I am going through is just as important as what you are going through. I'll return the favor.



Almost a year Grandma...
I often break down and cry when I think about you being gone.
I break down when something great happens and I want to tell you all about it.
Or when something terrible happens and I need your advice and help.
Or on holidays when I think about how happy they made you.
Or on birthdays when I remember how much you tried to make one person feel so special.
Or whenever I look into Eva's eyes and see you.
I miss you so much.


I can't always get it right, but I'm never going to give up.

I
just
nod.

I've never been so good at shaking hands.

RichDoors

______________________________________________________

you got the right sound, reaching up to take em' down.
you're breaking new doors, what you think you're looking for?

The 4onthefloor.

_______________________________________________________

I'll be mumbling the blues away...

Getaway Car.

Crime Pays

____________________________________________________

Everyone knows that crime pays, and everybody does it.

____________________________________________________

Where are we at?
I'm still standing in front of you.
You are barely attached to the front of your heart.
I'll enter the barrel of the gun of your own drunk lover's art.
You'll still be facing forward like you wanted me to say I'm sorry.
I'm not.
Never was.
We were screaming silences to the ceiling and bouncing our heads back and fourth.
Shades on with extra tint and large frames to distract the onlookers.
Look at me and tell me that you know who you are.
Then beg and lie and cheat and steal from the house that someone else built.
Not us, but the world around us and the birth givers and care takers and bystanders.
No one is innocent of these crimes.

MUSIC! Yellow Ostrich

bright lights.

must be used to smiling for the camera
every detail on display for a world who glances
and then turns their heads
embedded deep inside your own popularity contest
i know her through him and him through her and them through them
don't stop until you know every single one worth knowing
because nirvana must be in the who and what, right?

i'm sad because we live it all like this
driving with our eyes closed and steering with our legs and blasting the music while we think about how the other guy keeps riding our ass
pull yourself out of your car and think about how you're driving
think about the drive instead of riding
most of us just ride, all while bitching about the tailgaters.

i wish flashing my brights was all i had to do to make someone understand.

Kids on the Run

1Take.TV: The Tallest Man On Earth - 'Kids on the run' from 1Take.TV on Vimeo.

Come Together.

"Many people are either unwilling or unable to suffer the pain of giving up the outgrown which needs to be forsaken. Consequently they cling, often forever, to their old patterns of thinking and behaving, thus failing to negotiate any crisis, to truly grow up, and to experience the joyful sense of rebirth that accompanies the successful transition into greater maturity."

Ivan & Alyosha "Fathers Be Kind" from Sean Smith on Vimeo.

Too much pride deep inside.
Nobody will ever know your real name.

Please forgive me.

∙Chemical Brothers - The Golden Path from Chris Milk on Vimeo.

http://listen.grooveshark.com/s/Forgiveness/1TTYt2?src=5

“We achieve inner health only through forgiveness - the forgiveness not only of others but also of ourselves.”

Grown Ocean

Fleet Foxes - Grown Ocean from Fleet Foxes on Vimeo.

______________________________________

Wide-eyed walker, don't betray me
I will wake one day, don't delay me
Wide-eyed leaver, always going..

.

My goodness when will it end?

Ten-Twenty-Ten by Generationals from Jubadaba on Vimeo.

__________________________________________________

"and if you want to know, i wont confront you with all the stupid things that you said."

Trap Doors.

________________________________________________

Walk out before you make it worse on yourself
Now's not the time for that elegant laugh
Digress from the people
Once by your side
Once by your side
But now that it's over
You have to pick up
And just start again, start again

Falling to earth
And you're calling it out
You're burning yourself and your challenge to winter
You gotta clip the lines and move for yourself
Just move for yourself, love
Now that it's over
You have to pick up
And just watch your back, watch your back

And close your eyes to us
Fight fire
Trap doors to endless wisdom
Young lad, have we grown too tired
Longing to find

Learned that in time
And you want it to end
Your life at this temperature
Life under water
You gotta let these fools all trample themselves
They trample themselves, just dying to enter
You're preaching to the choir
So turn around, turn around

And close your eyes to us
Fight fire
Trap doors to endless wisdom
Young lad, have we grown too tired
Longing to find

And close your eyes to us
And fight fire
Trap doors to endless wisdom
Young lad, have we grown too tired
Longing to find

Distaste and Interest

__________________________________________________

What will be.

Dirty Heads.

_________________________________________________

The Dirty Heads featuring Rome from a put-back-together Sublime unit that will never really be Sublime again! But seriously, this track is great. This will be on the Summer selection. It's warm! Go for a run! Or go outside!

Building Blocks.

The truth is that I never shook my shadow
Every day it's trying to trick me into doing battle
Calling out 'faker' only get me rattled
Wanna pull me back behind the fence with the cattle
Building your lenses
Digging your trenches
Put me on the front line
Leave me with a dumb mind
With no defenses
But your defense is
If you can't stand to feel the pain then you are senseless

Since this,
I've grown up some
Different kinda figther
And when the darkness come, let it inside you
Your darkness is shining
My darkness is shining
Have faith in myself
Truth.

I've seen a million numbered doors on the horizon
Now which is the future you choosen before you gone dying
I'll tell you about a secret I've been undermining
Every little lie in this world comes from dividing
Say you're my lover
say you're my homie
Tilt my chin back, slit my troath
Take a bath in my blood, get to know me
All out of my secrets
All my enemies are turning into my teachers

Because
Light's blinding
No way dividing
What's yours or mine when everything's shining
Your darkness is shining
My darkness is shining
Have faith in ourselves
Truth.

Truth.

_________________________________________________
Stop running.

INTIL

This band needs more recognition.
Bottom line.
Every one of these guys take lead vocals on their most recent album, Mines.
I think it is incredible.
This, in my opinion, is the best track on the album.
Save the best for last?
"You betcha."

Menomena - Intil (Live at OPB) from opbmusic.org on Vimeo.

Cloud Man

The Rural Alberta Advantage

________________________________________________

They are back!
What a great Americana sound.
Here is their single: Stamp.

Idiot.

_________________________________________________
Here...

I'll say it for you.


GoodNIGHT.

Bizzness.

__________________________________________________

I wish I had words for this tune-yards track.
just listen- you'll get the drift.

Foster the People

__________________________________________________

These guys make me feel so good.
Good morning.

Oh to see it with my own eyes...

_____________________________________________

"Wide Eyes"- the opening track to Local Native's album Gorilla Manor, seems to be speaking about spirituality. Specifically, I feel it talks about the struggles of two huge figures in the history of religion: Jesus and the Buddha. This song is moving and passionate. Every time I listen to it I cannot help but think about my own struggles with "enlightenment". My religion is ever-changing and I have found it grows and develops as I grow and develop. Those humans in the world who cease to develop, who cease to learn are also directly affecting the development of their own spirituality... their own religion. I believe it to be true that spirituality comes from a continuous flow of new knowledge and experience. A person's religion must evolve throughout their life and will change and take new directions often. It truly does not matter what religion someone's parents pressed on them. Every single person must struggle to develop their own way of thinking- their very own religion. I leave these thoughts with an incredible quote that pertains to the development of one's own religion.

One of our problems is that very few of us have developed any distinctive personal life. Everything about us seems secondhand, even our emotions. In many cases we have to rely on secondhand information in order to function. I accept the word of a physician, a scientist, a farmer, on trust. I do not like to do this. I have to because they possess vital knowledge of living of which I am ignorant. Secondhand information concerning the state of my kidneys, the effect of cholesterol, and the raising of chickens, I can live with. But when it comes to questions of meaning , purpose, and death secondhand information will not do. I cannot survive on a secondhand faith in a secondhand God. There has to be a personal word, a unique confrontation, if I am to come alive.

-Alan Jones

Right Before My Eyes

__________________________________________________

I think the human being is built for perseverance.
We are made to overcome obstacles.
One day the whole world seems to be falling apart...
..the next day we feel a new sense of direction.
We feel hope.

It's important to recognize the problems in our lives.
To really get in touch with the tough feelings we don't want to feel.
Sadness, regret, embarrassment, anger, fear.
These are things we, as humans, need to face head-on.
There is no other way.

Never
ever
ever
ever
give up.

Let it be.

_________________________________________________

there comes a time
all forgotten
all forgiving
the only answer
lies in an ultimate truth
to let love out of your pores
and pour it out of your soul.
submit yourself to the sorrowful
and be the hope you wish to see.