Come home, sweetheart.

______________________________________________

Chin up... no matter what.

Lemolo

We were out watching for whales, all of us

It started to rain with the hail, down our love

We were out walking the dolls, all of us

The rabbits wore dresses and all talked a lot

She looks up

You were just dancing to sing, all along

We tied all our wrists up with string, the color was

You’re planning your parties for beaches, summer’s warm

But it was your birthday last week and the week before

She sees the world the way she wants, oh the way she wants

Danny Brown.

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Thoughts are sometimes scary.
Much like this track from Das Racist.
Second up to spit is the most demented Danny Brown.
Taking America by storm in the recent months.
Although he has been repping his hometown, Detroit, for over a decade.
Insane is the beat and the constant chatter of Das Racist
and over-the-top are the screams of Brown.
I really need this sometimes.
Life is not all good and all beautiful all the time.
The darkness is suppressed mostly but
that doesn't mean it's not there.

Waste.

______________________________________________________________

I'll hold your hand when you are feeling mad at me
When the monsters they wont go,
The windows, they wont close,
I'll pretend to see what you see

How long, I say how long, will you re-live the things that are gone?
The devil's on your back but I know you can shake him off

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

You know its funny how freedom can make us feel contained
When the muscles in our legs aren't used to all the walking
I know if you could snap both your fingers than you'd escape with me

But in the meantime I'll just wait here and listen to you when you speak, or scream

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

And every day that you want to waste, that you want to waste, you can
And every day that you want to wake up, that you want to wake, you can
And every day that you want to change, that you want to change, yeah
I'll help you see it through because I just really want to be with you

Thoughts on thoughts.

I have to write tonight, or I won't be able to sleep.
And I do love sleeping.
Sleeping refuels my body and my mind.
My body/mind combination is the only thing I really have control over.
Right? I have nothing to do with what happens externally.
I only have my responses to life... my thoughts and feelings about life.
My truth lies in my ability to observe my thoughts and feelings
NOT to be controlled by them.
There really is no other way.
Our thoughts must be the most powerful force in all of the universe.
They lead to our feelings, which is the second most powerful force.
The biggest idea is this:
you can control your thoughts and feelings and do amazing things,
OR they can control you... which usually brings awful stress and sadness.

I'd like to share a little more about this topic.
I'm reading a book by Deborah Fairfull...
This book is fantastic.
A very simple look at how to retrain your brain.
I believe in this so much.
What else can we do?

She says...

All pain is caused by resistance to what is.

Your mind is your most powerful tool in creating the life you want. When stressed or overwhelmed by circumstances, retraining your mind can allow you to remain peaceful, regardless of what is going on around you.

As you become comfortable with your feelings rather than overwhelmed by them, you will increase your capacity to be aware of your thoughts. In fact, thoughts and feelings are the same. A feeling occurs as a result of a thought- generally repeated thoughts. If you think repeatedly, "I love my life, I love my life," it is likely to be accompanied by a warm feeling of happiness in your body. Alternatively, if you repeatedly think, "I hate my life, I hate my life," you will probably feel sad, if not depressed.

Feelings and thoughts can fluctuate on a daily basis, depending on the external environment. However, if you learn to be in touch with your feelings and aware of your thoughts, you can learn to master your internal state- in many cases, regardless of external forces. When you are aware or able to develop the ability to observe your thoughts and feelings rather than becoming overwhelmed or driven by them, you will begin to live life in a conscious way. The story of Victor Frankl is an amazing example of mental resilience in extreme circumstances.

Victor Frankl was able to master his internal state no matter what was going on around him. He was kept prisoner for three years in World War II concentration camps. Where his parents and other close family members died. Victor survived by holding onto the love and image of his wife. The thought he held onto in almost unbearable conditions was: "Set me like a seal upon thy heart, love is as strong as death."

If you learn to observe your thoughts, like your feelings, without judgment, you will start to gain true mastery over your inner state. The first step in doing this is to separate yourself from your thoughts- you have thoughts, but are not the thought. This is the same concept as: you have feelings, but are not the feeling. Your true self is the stable, consistent observer of your thoughts and feelings. Living your life from your true self, rather than your fluctuating thoughts and feelings, is the key to happiness.



This way of thinking, these ideas could save us all if we put in effort to train ourselves.
I spend so much time training my body while running, or learning about things for my job or school- I think the least I can do is train my mind... it is really all I have.
I still have a long way to go with these sorts of concepts, but I will keep doing my best to move towards truth, and stop resisting what is.
I know, without any doubt, this is the only way.

Raise up to your ability. Focus on your ability. Gain again what they want to steal.

Rise above gonna start a war
Whatcha want whatcha need whatcha come here for
Well an eye for an eye and an F for fight
Takin me down is a prisoners right

Got shackles on my wings on tight
Beggin makin compromise
Fast enough it's hard to hide
Sometimes I want to disappear

When I feel good I play under warm distress
Pass it up on a better day
Well you got whatcha want you never knew
Perfect gift from me to you

Yeah yeah yeah

Got shackles on my wings on tight
Beggin makin compromise
Fast enough it's hard to hide
Sometimes I want to disappear

(Raise up to your ability)
You never knew what I could find
What could come when we realize
Don't no one want to compromise

(Raise up to your ability)
Yeah I'm scared but I'll disappear
Run around before I'll come with you
Like he's from an

(Raise up to your ability)
I know that you wanna
Cause it was easy to see
Of my ability

(Raise up to your ability)
Yeah you're undecided
Yeah so I can see it
Yeah I'm gonna wipe your mind

Focus on your ability
Focus on your ability
Now focus on your ability
Focus on your ability

Gain again what they want to steal
Gain again what they want to steal
Gonna gain again what they want to steal
Gain again what they want to steal

Trouble in Your Mind

_______________________________________________________

This brought me peace before bedtime.
Funny how you hear a song at just the right time.
Ain't no use gettin' that trouble in yo mind ya'll. :)


My mind is way too strong to be bogged down anyway.

Goooooooooodniiiiiiiiiight

Nothing but my love (It's all I have).

__________________________________________________________

"What I have, What I have...
is nothing that you want."

Settling It Off

There is no other letdown like the letdown from a parent.
A parent is supposed to be the one who has taken care of you.
Who has watched and helped you grow and develop from the moment you entered the world.
A parent continues to help you throughout your life.
You are never too old to be under a parent's watch.
To receive hugs.
To receive praise.
To receive Love.
What happens when parents don't measure up?...
Significant hurdles for that child to get over when he or she becomes an adult.
Because there is no letdown like the letdown of a parent.
I can promise you that.
Some hold onto their parents and believe that someday they won't let them down anymore.
That, my friends, is almost laughable.
Parents will let their children down, some a whole hell of a lot more than others.
What really gets me going is when a parent starts letting down their child's child.
I cannot stand that.
It make's my blood boil.
To not be present in that child's life, even though they are surely "around". They are in the area, they just choose not to make a plan to see or be near their grandchild.
I really cannot explain how much that hurts me as a parent.
I'm not going to say too much more about this because I really do not like venting publicly (even though very little people probably visit this blog, which is good).
There are people out there that would say it could be worse, and that no one is perfect. That's all well and good, but how much slack can one receive? How many excuses should be put on the table? How much can we stick up for a parent who has simply failed at trying their best? And is now failing to deliver as a grandparent?

I only know because now I am a parent.
I know what it takes.
You are not doing it.
And you continue to let me down.

I promise not to make excuses or comparisons or rationalizations.
I promise to be a parent whom my daughter can depend on.
And to always let her know how much I love her.
_____________________________________________________________

Nooowwww! For some good music:

Future Islands

Future Islands - Balance from Thrill Jockey Records on Vimeo.

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I'm not sure what is so catchy about Future Islands.
Sometimes I'll have to listen to their songs 3 or 4 times before I go... "Ohhhhh, I get it!"
Their sound seems out of this world- from the future and from the past at the same time.
Not to mention, this video is just so great.
My eyes ask me to keep watching and my ears don't mind.
That's "Balance".

Skeletons

when i sit here and cry
it's mainly from spinning all around
i'm afraid that when i fall
the person who is suppose to pick me up
will be falling over too
and i'll lie down on my back
and look up at the ceiling
that seems much too low
i'll remember all the things i did
to get here
repeating
repeating
repeating
the same mistakes and dead ends
over
and over
and over
i'll wonder what i'm lacking
or how i'm tricking myself
into believing this is the way it should be
i won't scream for her
that would turn my skin red
and i don't want to be red
rather be broken than red
i would lie there and die
before i would scream for her
which isn't surprising
because i've found that
while she is probably nursing her fall
she is refusing to scream for me
this is a stupid fucking paradox
and it ends with us both falling alone.