One big happy festival. Sans the drama, anger, and fighting.

"And if you want to know, I won't confront you with all the stupid things that you said."

So PUMPED to see the Generationals at 80/35 this weekend with my baby and band mate. Nothing and no one will take our fun away... not even the naysayers. Here we coooooooooooooooooome!!

Thank You Too

_____________________________________________________________

Thanks for being so great.
For understanding.
For listening.
For turning some stressful days into relaxing nights :)
Thank you.

The End Has No End

Craving some distance.

Swimming in unfamiliar waters

I once swam with a shark in some water by the park
I wouldn't show him my eyes and I didn't ask to see his teeth
He showed me anyways and they were bright white like the stars that light the earth at night
As we circled our pool of water he told me he wanted out..
Out of his skin and out of the prison "we" put him in
I was sympathetic initially, but realized I was in my own prison
Just like the shark- "we" put me there
I explained to the shark the complications of our situations
He agreed that we were both prisoners
I wanted to tell him my secrets, but I knew he couldn't be trusted
He slowed down and the waves of water pushed and pulled us
I felt no control in the pool of water, which was no different than any slab of land I'd been on
He realized I wouldn't be staying, as I didn't have the proper adaptations to roam around with him forever
I swam to the edge of the pool, slowly lifted my body over the wall, and jumped to the still ground
We gave each other a gaze that let on to our reciprocity
The world didn't seem so big and confusing that night in the park
But it was wet and cold all the same

An old note with a new meaning.

We were sitting on the edge of a rock, down by the river- waiting for the snow to make its presence felt- when I asked her, "Have you ever loved someone?".

Her eyes dived for the water, then slowly came up to meet mine. "Yes- I love my mom, most of the time." She smiled and looked up at the gray sky that was getting darker by the minute. Winter was late that year, but most everything was already dead. The birds had already reached their destination to a warm and sunny climate, thousands of miles south of our location.

"No, no, no," I told her. "The other kind of love"

She knew what I meant, but was holding out on me because she could tell how badly I wanted to hear her answer. Truth is, I had never felt that kind of love before. There were times in my life when I wanted it so badly, but I knew it was nowhere to be found. I blamed it on my mother.

"A boy without a loving mother will most certainly turn into an unloving man."

My mother was there, but was a far cry from a compassionate, caring woman. I knew it wasn't her fault. You know why?

Her Dad didn't love her the right way.

"A girl without a loving father will most certainly turn into an unloving woman."

And so it goes and so it goes and so it goes. Breaking that cycle is like putting out a fire with kitchen grease. Mom didn't stand a chance. She spent a great deal of her life being miserable and angry and quick tempered. She would love men (or think she loved them), but treat them as though they were out to get her. She would treat them like she hated them, most of the time. Only once in a great while was she even fun to be around.

As for us kids, well let's just say it was a roller coaster from start to finish. A whole lot of yelling and not enough hugs and kisses. No stability except for the drug use, abuse and neglect.

Sometimes I wonder why I like being alone. I often wonder why I've never really loved. This stuff isn't rocket science though- it's all right there in front of me.


As we sat there on that rock the snow began to fall. Winter began its own cycle, invading like an old war hero. She was ready to share something with me. She looked up from the river, the snow falling hard now- her eyes filled with compassion and direction. Just like me, she had it rough as a child. Didn't seem to bother her. She seemed to be free from her past tension. I admired her for that, but also found myself envious, maybe even a little jealous.

Her eyes hit mine hard and focused directly on them- her eyes stayed fixed on my eyes and she spoke the words slowly and deliberately, "I love you, right now in this moment". I was speechless. I should be happy, should be excited and joyful and ready to share the same good news with her- at least acknowledge her brave admission with a smile or a kiss. However, fear set in.

How long would she love me for?
Did she really love me, or was she just saying it?
Why me? What would cause her to feel love for me?
She doesn't love me.

The doubt filled my body and overflowed outward- the doubt could have flooded the river. I didn't even have time to speak- my legs and feet lifted me from the rock and I ran off crying and cursing my mother.

The snow covered up each footprint as I ran through Winter's night.

This is it. We're just wasting time now :(

have you had enough excitement now? more than you ever did?
you never wanted to be treated like a woman
you maintained you was just a kid
well at least you were of age my dear- these days kids they grow so fast
you never wanted to be committed to the present
you're too busy believing in the past, oh

who then was your savior? Who then was your friend?
who is now committed to the present? Is it someone that exists?
what is life in God? A perfect vision of the self?
I always thought we was dealing with one thing
now we are dealing with something else

do you see my smoking guns?
they're smoking from shootin'. Smokin’ from shootin'
smokin' from shootin at nothing dear
do you live your life on the run?
loosing out on lovin
Asking for nothing
Runnin' from something that isn't there

who makes my decisions? who reads all your thoughts?
what makes us how we are?
faith can't prove what science won't resolve
kumbaya my lord, c'mon row your boat ashore
the river's long. it is cold. it chills the body but not the soul.

do you see my smokin' guns?
they're smokin' from shootin'. smokin' from shootin'
smokin' from shooting at nothing dear.
do you live your life on the run?
losing out on lovin
asking for nothing
running from something that isn't there

distance- coming or going? c'mon
what are you waiting for?
distance- growing or closing in on?
anyway?

We can make a deal, I know it.